Fanon:Chapter 3 - All That I'm Asking For (SM)

"All That I'm Asking For" is the third chapter of .

Chapter 3 - All That I'm Asking For
With every step Korra took toward the docks, the strong resolve that had spurred her to chase Asami wavered. What was she going to do? How was she going to tell Asami the truth?

Korra did not have long to work out a strategy, however, as she quickly found her best friend standing on the shore before the docks. Though the moment she did, her mind just stopped working. It was difficult to say what was more beautiful, the skyline of Republic City with all its golden and spiritual splendor reflecting in the bay, or the solemn girl clad in red, taking it all in. Korra felt like she was frozen in place, unable to do anything but stare.

She had felt this intense connection to Asami for years now, even before realizing that it was love. After she was poisoned though, the Sato heiress had been there for her when she couldn't even be there for herself. She had been unable to truly sort her feelings out back then though, as her mind had been in a million different places, making it hard to know if how she felt about the tall woman was real or not. All she had known back then, no matter how messed up she was, was that she needed Asami and only Asami, which was why she had only written the heiress during her recovery in the South. Korra could not pinpoint exactly when Asami had started to blur the lines between friendship and love, but she had felt and could still feel their bond intensifying every time they were together. It was like a little heartbeat inside her, a little pulsing ball of light and warmth, and every time Asami did something endearing, or laughed, or ... was just Asami, Korra felt it grow, felt it spread out to engulf everything and anything that she was. It fueled her. She had felt that ball of light protest against the mercury all those years ago. She had felt it buckle against its iron grip ... She had felt it keep her alive. Even when she had thought all hope was gone, had lost her way, it had guided her and acted like her compass. It had brought her back to herself. And to Asami.

When she had finally laid eyes on the heiress again after three long years, she had nearly blurted everything out at the restaurant. Luckily she had managed to catch herself at the last second and cover it with a compliment on Asami's appearance. Thank the spirits Wu got himself kidnapped afterward and that Tenzin interrupted their conversation at the gazebo later. Korra found it increasingly difficult to be alone with Asami and not tell her how she felt. Mako was right. Claiming that she could be content with just being Asami's friend was such a lie ... That didn't make it any easier to tell Asami the truth though.

It had been different with Mako. She had told him she loved him, and she had meant it. Secluded as she had been at the training compound, his ruggedly-handsome features and strong, nimble fighting style had appealed to her. As the Avatar, she was always prone to challenges, and he had offered her one. However, it took their time together for her to realize that as "just Korra", he was not the kind of challenge she was looking for. She was not looking for someone who just challenged her; she was looking for someone who made her want to challenge herself, made her want to be more, be better. While they had been and still were great friends, their relationship had never been in balance. In hindsight, that was not surprising, as they were the same side of the same coin: both proud, stubborn, and fierce. Their relationship had been heated, both in passion and fights, but it had never evolved beyond that. There had been no harmony, no push and pull, and they had both known it; they knew they were the type of people who were destined to be amazing friends, but nothing more. However, it was exactly that clash that Korra had needed to realize what and, more specifically, whom she wanted.

The White Lotus had taught her from a young age that the Avatar served all, that she would belong to the world. Korra had readily embraced that part of her destiny. In fact, she had reveled in it, as there was nothing she had wanted to do more than leave her mark on the world like her predecessors before her. She knew she had already left one, as she was willing to bet that Aang never could have imagined there would be a spirit portal right in the heart of Republic City. But even so, Korra felt like she had only just begun. There was so much more she wanted to learn and do. Her journey as the Avatar had been a bit of a bumpy ride, to say the least, though she had realized that she had needed to go through all that to learn what true suffering was so she could be more compassionate to others.

But she had also come to realize that while the Avatar belonged to the world, Korra did not. She had grown up without knowing the difference: she was the Avatar and everyone else just had to deal with it. For a lot of people she would always be Avatar Korra instead of just Korra. She too was one of those people. At least, she had been before she got to know Asami.

Meeting Asami for the first time had been interesting to say the least. Korra could recall that day as if it were yesterday: a ballroom full of Republic City's richest, mightiest, and most influential people, all dressed to kill, and yet, Asami had so effortlessly negated everyone's efforts with her natural, elegant beauty. Clad in red, decorated with jewelry, her curves nonchalantly accentuated with a simple waistband ... Asami had not only been breathtaking, she had also been so incredibly friendly and had effortlessly held her own in an intellectual conversation, regardless the topic. Korra had known right then and there that Asami had it all, that she was simply everything ... and she had hated Asami for it. She had hated her from her arm looped through Mako's to her perfect black hair and her stunning jade eyes. Infatuated as she had been with Mako at the time, Korra had wanted nothing more than to find the kink in Asami's perfect armor, the flaw that would make her mortal and not some ethereal goddess who could do anything and would be impossible to compete with for Mako's affections.

The more she looked during the time they spent together, however, the more Korra discovered that she did not want to find anything. She did not want to compete with her and especially not for Mako. She just wanted to get to know Asami better, because Asami ... Asami was invigorating. She was like coming up for fresh air whenever Korra felt like she was drowning.

For starters, it was just so incredibly easy to be around her. Asami had always seen past her title as the Avatar, past her destiny as savior. Maybe it was because she too knew what it was to solely be seen and judged based on a title thrust upon her, or maybe it was just because she was Asami, but whenever Korra needed support, Asami had made sure that it was Korra and not the Avatar who had received it. At first, Korra had not paid the difference any attention, had not thought about the significance of Asami saying that she was amazing when she had been doubting herself as the most worthless Avatar rather than saying that she was an amazing Avatar. After a while, though, Korra had subconsciously come to rely on it. She was irresistibly drawn to the way Asami made her feel better about ... well, everything. Korra used to be afraid of messing up as the Avatar, letting everyone down, being a failure to the world. But not anymore, as no matter what would happen, she knew that she could get through it. Asami had thought her that. If there was a crisis of any kind, Asami did not freeze. She moved forward, and even better, she got everyone else to move forward as well. She made Korra want to do better, be better.

Korra would never forget the dark spiral she had found herself in after her mercury poisoning. She had felt so ... beaten, emotionally and physically. She had been so tired, had felt so empty. She had been horrible, she knew that, to everyone and everything around her. And yet, Asami had never left her alone. Every time she had shouted in pain or fear in the middle of the night, Asami had been there to hold her, to calm her, to make it all go away, even if it was just for a second. Every time she had lashed out in frustrated rage, Asami had been there to take it, to let her get it out, to let her grief. Every time she had cried with shame and disgust for how useless she was, Asami had been there to shoulder the burden, to contradict every self-deprecating thought that Korra spat out, to make sure that she always knew that she was not alone no matter how lonely she felt. Asami had made Korra want to get better, be better.

Though through that whole ordeal, there had been one moment that Korra really would never forget. It had happened during their way back after her final throwdown with Zaheer. She had been exhausted. All she had wanted to do was sleep, fall into the black oblivion of nothingness, and forget everything, but she just couldn't. Everything had hurt so badly. Every movement of the bison and later every vibration of the airship had cut through her like a knife. Every drop of sweat that cascaded down her feverish forehead had felt like it tore its way through her skin and marked her bones. There had been no escape. She was trapped in the broken shell that was her body, subjected to the merciless tossing of the airship. Just lying there, breathing ... that had been so excruciating. But then Asami had cradled her. The heiress had slipped under the covers, pulled her into an embrace tight enough to shield her from the motions of the ship without crushing her, and had started talking. She had talked for hours about the intricate details of the newest Satomobile engine she intended to build. Korra had not understood any of it. She'd had absolutely no idea—and still didn't—what the difference was between a "camshaft" and a "crankshaft" or what those things even were, but that hadn't mattered. Nothing had mattered beyond Asami's soothing voice and steady heartbeat. The simple fact that Asami had lain there with her, held her, had distracted her from her pain ... that had been everything. Korra had been so touched by that gesture, by the fact that Asami had forsaken her own exhaustion to make her feel better ... Korra knew Asami would always make her feel better, be better.

But Asami was so much more than her pillar to lean on. Asami was like coming home. When they were together, Korra could just be herself, without expectations, without judging. Her entire life, she had been told she was too wild, too emotional, too intense. But when Asami had taken her racecar driving, she had learned that she wasn't "too" anything and that Asami could be just as intense as her. Like when she had been down and frustrated over her low approval ratings as the Avatar and her failure to help the people of Republic City to deal with the emerging spirit vines: Asami had refused to take no for an answer to her offer to go out to cheer her up. Korra had wanted to decline as they were supposed to go to Air Temple Island for lunch, but Asami had promptly walked up to a vendor and bought his entire meat cart—literally, his entire stock, cart included. Pushing it toward the nearby park, she had explained her actions to a baffled Korra that while she loved Pema's cooking, she really couldn't stomach another piece of tofu. The women had unceremoniously stuffed their faces with the meaty delicatessen, and Korra had nearly died laughing when Asami had impersonated a walrus yak. Asami Sato, CEO of a multi-million yuan company, one of the richest and most elegant women in the world, had framed her face with her long hair and had two chopsticks protruding from her mouth as fangs. Korra had just lost it. Splayed out on the grass next, clutching her sides, she had laughed herself breathless with tears of joy, her sour mood completely forgotten. Korra had just simply never had anyone in her life who got her the way Asami did.

So if there was anything that Korra had learned the past four years, it was that her first impression of Asami had been the most wrong she had ever been in her life: Asami was not everything, she was not flawless, she was not some ethereal goddess who could do anything. She had plenty of kinks in her seemingly perfect armor, her own heavy crosses to bear, and more dark shadows to follow her around forever than Korra would wish on anybody ... So while Asami definitely wasn't perfect, she was the push to Korra's pull. The Tui to her La. Asami completed her. So while the Avatar belonged to the world, Korra belonged to Asami.

Korra was abruptly brought out of her thoughts, however, when a bitter laugh escaped Asami's painted lips. She felt her heart contract painfully at the sound. Asami, her beautiful, strong Asami stood there, facing the wind head on, and while she could not see her face, the slight slump of her shoulders and minute tilt of her head made her look just so ... defeated.

Korra swallowed hard. She had done this. If only she just hadn't been so damned afraid. But no more. She was done being afraid of the whats ifs. Asami deserved the truth, they both did.

"Asami?"

Korra winced internally at how soft and hesitant her voice sounded despite her burning conviction to see this through.

"Asami?" Her voice was still hesitant, but it was at least audible now. "Asami, can we ... can we talk?"

The seconds that passed were the longest of Korra's life. It seemed to take Asami years to turn around and look at her. When she did though, Korra's heart lurched at the visible pain in those pools of jade.

But then Asami blinked, and it was all gone. The hurt, the confusion ... the loneliness. Not a trace was left, it was all hidden away behind the professional exterior of the businesswoman.

"Oh, hey, Korra. Of course we can."

But Korra knew, she knew it was just a façade. Asami might be able to fool her clients with that look, fool the world with that tone of voice, fool everyone with her projected strength, but not her. Not anymore. Korra knew her better than anyone. She knew where to look to see the cracks: the slight slant of her shoulders, the minimal squinting of her eyes, the hard setting of her jaw. It pained her to see that Asami was hiding from her because of her. Sure, Mako had made the move, but he had done so because of her. She did this. She had hurt Asami.

"Hello, Korra? Talking generally requires you to say something."

Hurting Asami was the last thing she had wanted to do, especially after everything that the heiress had ever done for her. And yet, Asami was hurting now, and it was her own fault. A guilty feeling swamped her. Hurting Asami seemed to be the one thing that she kept doing. Even if it was not always directly her fault, she was always somehow involved ... So would telling Asami the truth about how she really felt change that? Would it stop hurting her? Would it truly be the best for her? Because Asami was the best, Asami deserved the best, but ... Korra wasn't so sure that she was the best for Asami. The heiress had once told them that it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission, but what forgiveness could be given for continuously hurting her?

"Haha, okay, well, anyway ... I saw congratulations are in order. You and ... Mako. I'm happy for you guys. You deserve to be happy."

Korra did not deserve to be happy. Asami's tone was sickeningly sweet, and it really did sound sincere, which was the worst part, as Korra knew that she wasn't. She wasn't happy for her and Mako ... Was she? No, she couldn't be, but once again, Asami was willing to put her own feelings behind whatever it was that she thought Korra needed. She would once again be there for Korra, support her, make sure that Korra knew she would always be there for her.

"I must admit, I was a bit surprised when I saw you two ki–...toge–...when I saw you two, but ... If that's what you want, then I'm happy for you."

No, it was not what Korra wanted, and no, Asami was not. She needed to stop saying that. She was clearly not happy, but she was saying that because she wanted Korra to be happy, and Korra knew that. She knew the sacrifice Asami was once again making. The knowledge lit a fire inside of her heart, sending it rapidly coursing through her body, thawing the frozen state she seemed to have been stuck in ever since Asami had turned around. She couldn't let Asami go through with taking another step back in order for her to achieve some kind of happiness with someone she didn't even want. No more.

"If I need to create a diversion or something so you two can sneak out, just say the word. I'm happy to–"

"Stop. Just ... stop talking." Korra's eyes widened at the sound of her own voice, and she awkwardly cleared her throat. "Please. J–just ... just listen. I ... I–euh ..." Asami looked at her with big, questioning eyes, and Korra just stood there. She had asked Asami to stop talking and listen, but now she failed to produce any words for her to listen to. With Asami's attention completely on her, Korra felt her courage drain away. There was just so much at stake ... Had it really been heartbreak she had seen earlier? Because if it was not, and she would tell Asami how she felt, and she would be wrong ... NO. No more doubting. She needed to do this. Courage or not, she needed to say this, Asami deserved to hear her say it.

"What is it, Korra? You know you can tell me anything, right?"

The unsure tone irked Korra. Was that really what she had reduced Asami to, to question herself whether she still trusted her to confide in her? Those jade pools flashed with confusion, pain, but also with what Korra thought, hoped, needed to be heartbreak, because if it was ... then she could wash it all away, refresh Asami with the truth.

Korra felt the light touch of Asami's right hand on her upper arm. The gentle contact was everything she needed. It was all she could ask for. No, Asami was all that she was asking for.

"Mako and I are not together. I know that you saw us kiss, well, that you saw him kiss me, but we're not together. We are not, and we never will be, because I ... I don't want to be with him. I want ..." Korra's gaze trailed to the ground, and she squeezed her eyes shut, while taking a deep breath. ''Come on, Korra. You love her. Tell her. Just say it. Say it loud and go from there. "I want you, Asami. I want to be with you. I love you''." The hand left her arm, but although she instantly missed the contact and feared what its loss might mean, she had to press on, even if it burned her life to the ground. "I have for a long time, and I just ... I don't want to lie anymore. Not to myself, not to you, not to anyone. I love you, and I–I think that you love me, too." She made eye contact. "Do you?"

Trivia

 * The title song of this chapter can be listened to here.
 * "It was all she could ask for. No, Asami was all that she was asking for" was inspired by the chorus of the song.
 * There are several Grey's Anatomy quotes referenced in this chapter
 * "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me" from season 2 episode 1, "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head", Derek to Meredith.
 * "If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward" from season 5 episode 19, "Elevator Love Letter", Derek to Meredith.
 * "If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there" from season 9 episode 2, "Remember the Time", Mark to Jackson.